Football Fatties

It's football season which means that from now until February every Saturday will be filled with College football and each Sunday will be spent watching NFL Red Zone, or sleeping through it which is what I usually do. Football season is the hardest time of year to diet because football usually means tailgating, beer, barbecue, chips, cheesy dips, and bacon logs... ??

During my discussion with my fitness friend Kindal yesterday she proposed that I do a write up about football recipes, specifically the BACON LOG aka the Bacon Explosion. I'd never heard of such thing but a quick Google shows that it truly exists and could be a distant cousin to the Kit Kat Lasagna. Which one will be worse?

VERSUS

The basketweave is a nice touch

Let's discuss the bacon log/explosion. It's a basketweave of bacon which is then layered with pork sausage,cheddar cheese, and green onions. It's cooked on a smoker, doused with BBQ sauce, sliced and put on a bun of some kind. 

I know some of you are thinking AWESOME and some you are thinking GROSS. I'm on the gross side because it's sounds too greasy to even enjoy. How long does it take to basketweave bacon? I'm calling BS and predict that the whole thing would fall apart in your smoker. 

Regardless here's the ingredients:

• 2 pounds of bacon, thick sliced - I was pretty sure that I was going to blow up My Fitness Pal when I searched for this much bacon. Most entries showed bacon by the slice or by the package, except for Kroger which had a 3 lb pack. SCORE. This much bacon will SCORE you 1,505 calories, 4,515 grams of sodium. Cholesterol was not calculated sadly. 
• 2 pounds of pork sausage - *blink blink, blink blink*. That's me staring and being speechless. 2,160 calories, 5,160 grams of sodium. Let's all go back to blinking, I'm pretty sure that's the only way we will be able to communicate when a bacon EXPLOSION puts us in a chronic vegetative state. 
• 1 cup of cheese - that's it? One stingy cup of cheese?? Whatevs 440 calories. Moving on... 
• 2 green onions - I'm not going to even justify this with a response. 
• 1 bottle of barbeque sauce - I went with Sweet Baby Ray's because I like saying it in my head Sweeeett Babbbbbbby RAYS!  980 caloRAYS. Hot Diggity Damn
• I figure this puppy would slice nicely into 8 servings so lets add 8 hamburger buns for 960 calories. 

That's it. I think we're done with ingredients.. let's see what we have.. 

Aww hell. This doesn't even come close to Kit Kat Lasagna.. you could eat just about two of them to come close.  756 calories a serving.. 2025 grams of sodium! Yikes.

Verdict? The bacon explosion is an explosion of calories.. and bacon. I'm pretty sure that whoever is making this isn't concerned as much with caloric/sodium/cholesterol intake but more with shoving as much meat into one item as possible. If I ever saw this in real life I'd pick up and punt it!

Word to your Mom
~J

Breakfast of Champians

Yes I spelled it wrong on purpose. My husband has a shirt that says Spelling Bee Champian. You'd be amazed at how many people point out that it's spelled wrong. Anyhoo, today's post crossed my feed after my own mother posted it.

They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day. That you should eat a large breakfast. Some breakfast items even stick to your ribs, I have no idea what that means. I suspect this one will stick to more than just your ribs.

I present to you: Breakfast Casserole in a Crock Pot, it cooks while you sleep (for the record I loathe crockpots and the mushy meals they create. Yuck).

What kind of fire hazard is happening in the background?

After I wrote everything up and calculated it I determined that this recipe wasn't "that bad". We ARE coming off the heels of a Kit Kat Lasagna so comparatively this is mild. In everyday non Kit Kat Lasagna life, you still want to avoid this. 

What's in this you may ask?

• Shredded Hash Browns - 30 oz bag (850 grams). 668 calories 156 carbohydrates
• 12 Large Eggs - 840 calories
• Milk - 146 calories
• Roll Sausage?? Is this a roll of sausage? Sausage rolls? I guessed. 1760 calories that sounds about right.
• 2 Cups Shredded Cheese - you know you love it.. unless your lactose intolerant, even then you probably still love it enough to take a plunge every now and then. You also know you're going to use all 2 cups and probably empty out that half used bag you have too. It IS breakfast after all. 880 calories of cheesy goodness

That's it.. I'm not giving you the directions to make it. It's probably safe to say that if you had such a desire to make this you can probably figure out how to make it without directions just by looking at the picture.

So how does she stack up?

First off, the 8 servings is a total guess. So this could be eight tiny portions. I suspect it might be more like 6 servings which would raise the per portion stats.

We're high in the fat content here. Based on a 2000 calorie a day diet you shouldn't have anymore than 72 grams of fat in a day. This recipe gives you just about half of that in one serving. 529 calories for a single portion would also be over 1/4 of your calories (maybe more) for the day and 692 grams of sodium isn't stellar. 

What amazes me is that, once again, this recipe was shared a on a 'healthy living' Facebook page. I browsed the page and found that the objective of the page is to sell you some magical solution to weight loss and to get the word out by sharing all the "delicious recipes" with everyone on your Facebook feed. It's a clever and deceptive Social Media trick. Please don't share these recipes, please don't promote magical weight loss supplements. They don't work and they won't help you. Please don't make this dish. 

I wish everyone would share my blog, maybe I need a Facebook page you can all "like"

Toodles ~

The King of all Recipes: Kit Kat Lasanga

I thought that Kit Kat Lasagna was a mythical entity, kind of like a Pegasus or a Unicorn, except not quite as adorable and lovely. Even though I had seen it on Facebook I refused to believe it in its existence; until I Googled it. Alas, it exists, there are SEVERAL you tube videos dedicated to this but the one below is the only one I could watch. It seems that this family is a little too enthusiastic about making this (note the absence of a recipe card, meaning that this has been committed to memory). Warning: the video is like a train wreck. I couldn't stop watching no matter  how much I wanted to. Stick with it (or fast forward) to the end for the grand finale! (There is some foul langage in the video)

SMH = shaking my head. That's all I can do because I'm speechless about this. Well I guess I have to find some words or else this particular post would just be a blank page right?? HUH?? - Literal Larry

During my Google searches and through watching the first part of the video again I've noticed that the video above is "her way" of doing Kit Kat Lasagna. I've been unsuccessful in finding the true recipe but others most often include a layer of marshmallows, a layer of M&M's, the kit kats, and the graham crackers.

Attempted Google Searches:

Kit Kat Lasagna
Official Kit Kat Lasagna
Facebook Kit Kat Lasagna
Yelling to my co-worker (a former baker) "Do you happen to know the OFFICIAL Kit Kat Lasagna recipe?" Answer = NO


Video chica must have been feeling especially saucy when she added two tubs of cheesecake filling. I'm just going to go with this blog: http://www.thedailyserge.com/2013/03/kit-kat-lasagna.html and also do a write up on Annie Oakley's recipe too.

Daily Serge Ingredients: 13 x 9 dish

• 1 bag mini Marshmallows = 900 fluffy calories, 171 grams of sugar
• 1 box of Graham crackers = 1,690 calories, 312 carbs
• 5 small bags (1.69oz) of plain M&M's (I could only find the small bags on MFP so I estimated how many would be used) = 1,150 calories
• 15 Kit Kats, regular size, 4 finger bar = guess!.. I'm going to put it in white font.. if you highlight it you will magically reveal the number of calories. FUN and INTERACTIVE! 3,150 calories <-- highlight the 'empty space'.. that is like some serious David Blain shizz going on. 

The above is calculated with the consideration that you will have two layers of everything.

WARNING: the below is meant for mature audiences only and some parts may be disturbing.

I divvied it up into 12 slices because I can't imagine you could take much more than 1/12 of this at a time.

Now in THIS CORNER.. the You Tube Recipe.. featuring 2 tubs of Cheesecake filling and topped with 1 container of delicious chocolate icing:

Who will will the matchup?

Ingredients:

• 1 box of Graham crackers = 1,690 calories, 312 carbs
• 15 Kit Kats, regular size, 4 finger bar =  3,150 calories <-- highlight the 'empty space' .. or just look below if you're tired of playing. 
• 2 tubs of Kraft Ready to eat cheesecake filling = 3,840 calories. Remember to spend an absurd amount of time carefully leveling out the filling. Once you thinks it's level enough go ahead and spend some more time primping your 'precious'. 

With recipe #2 you have to also have your kid and husband around so that the kid can quickly open the Kit Kats with the enthusiasm of a factory worker trying to find a Wonka Golden Ticket. The husband can stand around ask dumb questions he already knows the answer to. 

Recipe #2 wins by TKO with almost 900 calories per square. Rest assured You Tube family, your dignity and pride has been spared. You can continue to walk with you heads held high from pride in your modified recipe. Sleep well tonight...sleep well.

JH

Potato Soup from a healthy living page

Today's post comes from a recipe that someone shared on Facebook and therefore it showed up on my Facebook news feed. I figured I would give you all a breath of fresh air by highlighting a dish that wasn't dessert! These don't come across too often so I wanted to post it before I forgot. 

Ironically this recipe recommends that if you 'want to find more delicious recipes' you should like Carly's Support Group for Better Health on Facebook. I'm tempted to join to see what kind of diet this falls into:

 Could it be? Low Fat? Low Carb? Low Calorie? Clean Eating? No Sugar No Grain?? 

Let's analyze The BEST Potato Soup Recipe EVER! (seriously that's what they called it). 

As usual, NotGonnaLie, I <3 loaded baked potato soup. I don't <3 the feeling of eaters remorse I would have after eating it and yeah I'd totally gobble up this bowl and then some in my old days. Based on the name alone, we're going to go ahead and cross Low Carb off the diet option. 

You ready? Here we goooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

Ingredients:

• 2 1/2 pounds baby red potatoes, sliced into small bite sized pieces - again.. we're knocking low carb diet off the list here. 1,000 calories, 200 grams of carbohydrates
• 1/2 regular package uncooked bacon, finely diced - It'sssss BACON! YUM YUM YUM... 315 calories, 25 grams of fat
• 1 medium onion, diced - 46 calories.. move along, nothin' to see here
• 1/4 bunch celery, diced - Remember that old rumor that celery was a 'negative calorie food'.. I was wondering how many calories it would supposedly knock off.. it does only add 17 calories for 3 stalks. 
• 8 cups milk - I went 2% reduced fat in my imaginary cookery. 976 Calories, another 38 grams of fat. I'm thinking that we PROBABLY are knocking Low Fat off the list of potential diets this fits into.
• 4 cups water - H to O2.. 
• 4 chicken bullion cubes  - 32 harmless calories.. 3,840 grams of moisture sucking sodium.. good luck with all that bloat. 
• 1 teaspoon salt - ummmm, because the bullion just doesn't have enough. 
• 1 teaspoon black pepper - to taste
• 3/4 cup salted butter - SALTED BUTTER.. you're killin' me Smalls! 1,221 calories, 138 grams of fat, 981 grams of sodium. Holy Rock Hard Arteries Batman!
• 3/4 cup flour - it's just flour.. it's just 434 calories. It's just a 4 mile run 
• 1/4 bunch freshly chopped parsley - why bother?
• 1 cup whipping cream - 414 calories. I have a rule that I avoid anything creamy.. this is why. 
• ***For garnish:** Garnish to me means add as much as you want. I'm sure it's intended meaning is to add a tiny amount to make it visually appealing  In fact, look at the picture above.. who is going to only add that tiny amount of cheese? DUMB! 
• fried bacon bits - The bacon included in the recipe is technically these bacon bits.. so they are optional. But I'm sure the bacon is KIND OF part of what makes this the BEST EVER! So I'm leaving it in. If you want it out subtract it out if it makes you feel better. 
• chopped green onions - Who are we kidding? This is only to add some type of green vegetable in addition to celery. 
• Shredded cheese - 90 calories per 1/4 cup

The instructions don't say how much soup this makes so I had to rationalize it. 8 cups of milk + 4 cups of water.. minus evaporation.. add bulky potatoes.. more evaporation. I estimated 10 cups. (I do suck at logistical math though). Seeing as this is my blog and my imaginary kitchen I'm sticking with 10 cups. 

Nutritional Breakdown:

Low Carb
Low Fat
Low Calorie
Low Sodium
Clean Eating
No Sugar No Grains
Paleo
High Protein

I'm not sure what kind of support Carly's Support Group for Better Health is trying to give towards better health but I think I will try to make it on my own without the wonderful "support".

-J

Snickers Brownie Bites

Today's post came to me via reader submission. I'm kind of in a "I want chocolate" mood today so looking at these is kind of tough. Somehow that bowl of cherry tomatoes I ate isn't releasing the same chemical in my brain as these adorable little morsels would.

Adorable?? You ask..

UM YEAH! How stinkin' cute are these fellas?? I can't even take it. I just want to pinch it, and love it, and gobble it right up.. along with those two underneath it.. and those three blurry ones behind them.

But alas, we have to get to the bottom of these. What's in them? What's the nutritional value (or lack thereof)?? They are so cute that I hate to bash them.. I'd much rather MASH them.. with my teeth!

Snickers Brownie Bites

• 1 box brownie mix, plus ingredients on back of box - Ingredients on the back of the box usually includes vegetable oil, eggs, water. This recipe asks for a 13 x 9 pan which apparently means you have to get the Family size box of brownie mix. 3,240 Calories prepared. 
• 1 jar marshmallow fluff = I've never eaten this.. is it good? What is the purpose of it? Other than 720 additional calories for the jar
• 1 cup smooth peanut butter = oh sweet peanut butter, with your peanutiness and butteriness.. 1,520 calories
• 1 pkg Kraft caramels, unwrapped = I love caramel.. especially when it's inside of those yummy ROLO's! But I digress.. 1 package of caramels 1,600 calories
• 1 Tbsp heavy cream = I can't say I've ever bought this but I'm sure it's related to that whip cream in a can, I love that stuff!.. 52 calories..
• 1 & 1/4 cup dry roasted peanuts = more peanuts! 960 calories
• 1/2 pkg chocolate Candiquik or milk chocolate almond bark = What the hell is Candiquik? Why can't the folks at the Candiquik company spell? Milk Chocolate Almond bark? It's your choice! 

Candiquik option: 1,200 Calories

Godiva Almond Bark Option: 840 calories, who would'a thunk? 

The recipe calls for a 13 x 9 pan, you have the choice of cutting them anyway you like, the recipe recommends 1 to 2" squares. Given a 2" square you would end up with approximately 29 of these to eat or share with friends. Let's use this number to sum up the total nutrition values outlined above. I used the Almond Bark because I like the way it's spelled.

308 calories for a 2" square.. these things are like atomic calorie bombs dropping obesity on America! Suddenly that bowl of cherry tomatoes seems a lot more enticing than letting these things A-bomb my diet. So sayonara little Snicker brownie bites with your lavish description

" A Snickers-lover’s dream, they’re fudgy brownie squares topped with a peanut butter nougat, a thin veil of buttery caramel, salty chunks of peanuts and topped with a smooth milk chocolate coating."

We will have to part ways here little friend. It's not you.. actually it IS you. You're too deceptive and I can't have your negative impact on my hips!

Regards,

J

CARAMEL APPLE CHEESE BARS

It's a very exciting day because a new recipe popped up on my FEED that looked just right for blog post #2. (the 'feed' pun was unintentional but appropriate so I left it in).

You may be asking yourself with excitement."What have we today?!"  Take a second and think of delicious creaminess, with tart apples, sweet, crispy crust.. mmmmm...


I give to you CARAMEL APPLE CHEESE BARS!

They KIND OF look delicious. But I'm going to to break down the evilness of this little square of awesomeness.

Ingredient List:

Crispy, sweet Crust:
2 cups all-purpose flour - 797 Calories
1/2 cup firmly packed brown sugar - 200 calories (it was hard to find an entry that was documented for anything over a tsp of brown sugar)
1 cup (2 sticks) butter, softened - Who are we kidding.. no reason to use the light stuff here. We're talking real, salted butter - coming in at 1,620 calories. (Paula Deens Butter Radar must be flashing)


Cream Appley Cheesecake Filling:
3 (8-ounce) packages cream cheese, softened, again.. might as well go full fat... suck it 1/3 fat cream cheese! Fat Free?? Never heard of you! 2,370 calories of cream cheesiness
3/4 cup sugar, plus 2 tablespoons, divided - of course we need sugar and the 578 empty calories it brings with it to the party. 
3 large eggs - 210 calories, go ahead and throw in the yolks 
1 1/2 teaspoons vanilla extract - 18 calories
3 Granny Smith apples, peeled, cored and finely chopped - Apples are healthy right? 390 calories, 102 carbohydrates
1/2 teaspoon ground cinnamon - omitted because at this point what do cinnamon and nutmeg bring to the table other than flavor?
1/4 teaspoon ground nutmeg - cinnamon's tasty cousin

I'm not good at math so I will spare you from adding up the above. Let's let My Fitness Pal do the heavy lifting.

I feel wrong just having this as a 'recipe' in my profile. I'm almost tempted to make another profile on MFP for these to reside.

You'd have to run almost 7 miles to burn off just one of these babies. No thanks!

Maybe Chobani can make a Caramel Apple Cheesecake fat free Greek yogurt for me..

Some kind of cookie, peanut butter cup concoction.

I don't know about you but I'm both tired of and intrigued by the recipes that people post on Facebook. I've often wanted to post on these ridiculous recipes that perhaps someone should sit down and think about how many calories are exactly in these 'treats'. I swear some of them have to scare even the fattest of food lovers.

As my first post I present one that was on my wall a few months back and today made a re-emergence, ultimately it's pretty benign compared to some of those I've seen. I admit that if I were at a party and saw these, I'd probably shove 5 of them into my mouth without hesitation, they do look delicious.

Thank you Cindy's Blings N Things for presenting us with these delicious morsels

Ingredients:

I package of cookie dough 

12 Peanut Butter Cups

1 box of brownie mix prepared

Caloric Breakdown per square: Thanks to My Fitness Pal

These aren't actually as bad as I thought they would be.. as long as you don't eat the entire pan yourself. 

Do you have a facebook fattie recipe that you've seen on your wall? Send it to me and I may just break it down!